Right now, I am so close to crying. I need to be strong, and I need to learn how to say no, even if it disappoints someone.
Working has been a whole new experience for me, but I never realised it could be so taxing. It's the end of the day, my energy is drained, I can barely find enough stamina left in me to even have a casual conversation with my parents about my day. I simply can't let this get to me, I need to somehow outsource all my exhaustion or accumulated stress.
I fell asleep in the shower just before and I don't even know how it happened.
I sat down, and let the water rush over my head. My head was against my knees for a few minutes - I was just exhausted, I was utterly over it and I felt horrid with myself, I felt horrid for feeling this way when I knew that I was a perfectly healthy and blessed individual. Because I was so grateful at the same time, that I had a well paying job, a fantastic boss, and an awesome awesome team of people to work with, as well as parents and a family that support me 100% in everything that I do.
Then I realised that I just needed to find an outlet, that would allow me to release all that stress and just relax. I thought yeah, maybe watching a movie would do some good? but I soon realised, that would be the easier choice, not necessarily the best one. I could spend that time reading up on what's going on in the world instead, delving further into uni courses and figuring out what I want to do, learning... learning was a release, drawing, reading. Spending time with family or friends. Spending time doing exercise, and stress relieving stretches. Music (the best form of antistress). Cooking even?
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I can't say no, and that's something I need to learn to do.
Today my boss asked me if I could work on Christmas eve, and boxing day, and I responded with nothing but "of course!" in immense enthusiasm. At the time I was like "yes!" work will be good, it is beneficial to me, I'm learning more about the company and contributing to it, I'm doing something useful with my time. Of course, I still feel that way, however, when I'm tired and exhausted, what I thought would be an amazing opportunity to learn and extend myself further, a sleep in and some hot chocolate sound just as good.
BUT. There's no going back, I can't pull out of something I've agreed and promised to.
I am grateful. I am grateful to my parents for putting up with an energy lacking and lazy version of me when I get home.
Dad just came in the room to tell me that he is surprising me with korean bbq and a trip to the light show in city hall tonight, no excuses even if I'm tired. And with that, I'd like to put it out there that I love my parents more than anything, more than anyone, more than I will even ever love a man.
It was a slap in the face, when I went to get the mail the other day, and saw an envelope from an insurance company, to my parents. It read, help your family be ready for your funeral, or something obscenely shocking. It was sent to all their clients over the age of 50. And I held my breath, and stared at it, and I couldn't accept the fact or even BEGIN to imagine what the blaring letters were yelling at me.
I have to remind myself that time doesn't stop for me, I can't warp it to make it go longer or shorter, I have to treasure each moment.
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